general

And I go HELLLLLLLLYEAAAAAAHHHHHHHBROOOOOOOOOO THATS ME WOOF WOOF LETS GET IT (nah I really just said “Yeah, what’s up?”)

So me and her start flirting and whatever and she tells me she isn’t trying to date but she has had a crush on me for a while so she wanted to know if I wanted to come over. AND SHE WINKED. BROOOOOO WHEN I TELL MY DICK SAID BOING YO I WAS HARD AS HELL. So she gives me her address and goes i’ll see you after school.

BOY WHEN I TELL YOU I RACED OUT OF CLASS WHEN THE BELL RANG AT THE END OF THE DAY. I SUPER RACED TO HER HOUSE. (it was only down the street) I GOT THERE BEFORE SHE DID IT.

So I’m standing there, wiping off my sweat, making sure I got condoms, rubbing my cologne on my skin. I felt like if I fucked her good enough, she would give me a chance, you know? So we go upstairs, we do foreplay and all that cute shit and then i get my condom out and she goes “let me put it on” so I give it to her and the condom RIPS AS SOON AS SHE TAKES IT OUT and she looks up at me like oops? SO then she goes “It’s okay, I prefer it without the condom anyway”

AND I LOOK AT HER LIKE MCUSE ME?! I AM NOT HAVING ANOTHER PREGNANCY SCARE LET ME GO RUN AND GET ANOTHER CONDOM.

She was like “Nonono Simon, I’m on the pill”....... So my dumbass fucked her.

I KNOW THIS MAY NOT BE ALIGNING TO HOW MY DICK GETS IN THE FREEZER BUT BE PATIENT I CANT JUST JUMP INTO THIS.

So I’m laying there like “We are going to get married huh? Me and you are going to have some beautiful ass kids, huh?” And she turns to me and goes “Okay can you come out please, my 4 o’ clock dick appointment is coming soon.” And my pride was crushed. She used me for my dick. I was out here trying to date this girl and she just made me her 2 o’clock dick appointment. That’s cool though. That’s totally fine. I got up and left and walked home. So a few days pass and my notice that my dick starts to ache and shit. It burns out of no where. I’m like....... this wasn’t happening before. So I call my three best friends, who is are also guys, and I say “Bro’s let me ask you, has your dick ever started hurting after sex?” and the line gets silent and then one them go “Bro you got a STD” So I’m laying there in my bed like “........ An STD?” and my other friend said “BRO BRO YOU GOT CRABS BRO! YOUR DICK IS SICK BRO!” and I just.....

I was so disappointed in myself. So my last bro goes “HEY YO READ ONLINE THAT IF YOU PUT YOUR DICK IN THE FREEZER IT KILLS ALL THE BACTERIA IN YOUR CUM AND FREEZES IT SO WHEN YOU PEE IT ALL COMES OUT” DID IT MAKE SENSE TO ME NOW? NO! BUT AS A 17 YEAR OLD BOY WHO POSSIBLY HAD CRABS AND WASN’T EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX IN THE FIRST PLACE, THAT SOUNDED LIKE IT CAME FROM THE TOP DOCTOR IN THE WORLD. SO I RAN MY ASS DOWNSTAIRS AND PUT MY PEEPEE IN THE FREEZER. So I’m standing there, dick in the freezer, hands on my waist, waiting for the bacteria to burn. He told me to wait 2 hours.

PAY ATTENTION I HAVE IT RESTING AGAINST THE DOOR. And it comes time for me to put my dick out and I can’t.. move.. like I keep tugging to take my dick out and I just.. can’t.. MOVE SO I REACH OVER AND TOUCH MY DICK AND ITS TURNING BLUE AND ITS STUCK TO THE INSIDE OF THE FREEZER AND I AM JUST STANDING THERE LIKE. SO THEN I HEAR THE FRONT DOOR OPEN AND I START PANICKING BECAUSE FIRST MY CRUSH REJECTED ME, I HAVE CRABS, MY DICK IS STUCK TO THE FREEZER AND NOW IM GOING TO GET MY ASS BEAT?!!

So the person walks into the kitchen and sees me, dick in the freezer and just stares. It’s my older brother. The same one who saved my ass the last time. And He’s just sitting there like.. “Si...” So I just look at him with tears in my eyes and go “Help me” So my brother came up with the conclusion I had frostbite. So he got a hot towel and placed it on my dick. THAT SHIT HURT like crazy. I WAS CRYING SO BAD BRO MY PRIDE WAS IN THE TIOLET After much warming, my dick finally came out the freezer. My brother decided to take me to the hospital and it TURNS OUT I did have frostbite, I was going to lose some feeling in my dick, and I DIDNT HAVE AN STD I JUST WAS ALLERGIC TO THE LUBE WE USED DURING SEX To this day, I still have a scar that looks like Harry Potter’s mark on the side of my dick from when we pulled it off from the inside.

An excerpt from Spooky's biography

well now what do i do

i went into vc cuz i was bored

now i

am bored again

I have now surpassed spooky in computing power

i dont think that would even fit in my case

It's so much smaller than my other 3090

I love EVGA

but I hate their fans

the little Es look so bad

I hate the red accent

Fuckin retarded lookin

Oh man, I got my dna test back

Im German

post

I want to see this mutt

I'm proud

100% Euro

no jew, no negro

My dad has his ancestry wrong this whole time too

lol

He always said we were Scandinavian descent, and while that is 1% true, it's mostly not

was he trying to claim he was... yeah

that's a common one

We know where both sides of my moms family are from back to great grandparents

Not where dads side was

I'm sure over generations that gets muddled

-10 chad points though

Switzerland specifically for me

what percent neanderthal?

I want to commit to reviving their race

I checked my ancestry thing again and it says I have “more Neanderthal genes than 5% of people”

I am a human

I need another one of you to be a 99th percentile non-human

I need to bring back my people

You know, I'm something of an anglo myself

NIGGER

I count as black right

That's like.... A lot of black

Ooga booga

It’s fine

They throw it in to make white supremacists cry

Reggie and I beg to differ

With our 100% white genes

Well guess we know why I like spears

My brain can’t comprehend more advanced technology

The truth comes out

My grandma is like pure Irish so this makes no sense

But I’ll take their word for it

She might have been an invader

Wow I can’t believe this

According to this my children won’t die or have horrible defects

No crippled father son bonding

Inb4 your wife's body rejects your genes

But where's the white?

I believe it’s in the 50% French and German

Exactly half white

Same as me!

Sorry pal

I’m at least 51.3%

You lose

>irish

Yeah yeah, I know your kind likes to penny pinch but it's not fooling any of us