general
Wednesday, May 19, 2021
why fly when you can... ride? a slime
I was an idiot.
My hormones were RAGING. I would’ve stuck my dick inside of a jelly donut if that meant I could cum.
Anyway, I was popular in high school. Everyone liked me, especially the ladies because I was the tallest guy there and I could sing a little something, you know? So everyone was chasing after me, but there was this one girl I was trying to fuck, lets call her Mona Lisa. Mona Lisa was fine as fuck. She had nice eyes, a nice smile, she was just pretty as hell. I mean her body was cool too but her SMILE bro. I was so sprung on getting this girl. So one day, I was walking down the hall to my next class and Mona Lisa comes over and says “Hey, you’re Simon right?”
And I go
HELLLLLLLLYEAAAAAAHHHHHHHBROOOOOOOOOO THATS ME WOOF WOOF LETS GET IT (nah I really just said “Yeah, what’s up?”)
So me and her start flirting and whatever and she tells me she isn’t trying to date but she has had a crush on me for a while so she wanted to know if I wanted to come over. AND SHE WINKED. BROOOOOO WHEN I TELL MY DICK SAID BOING YO I WAS HARD AS HELL. So she gives me her address and goes i’ll see you after school.
BOY WHEN I TELL YOU I RACED OUT OF CLASS WHEN THE BELL RANG AT THE END OF THE DAY. I SUPER RACED TO HER HOUSE. (it was only down the street)
I GOT THERE BEFORE SHE DID IT.
So I’m standing there, wiping off my sweat, making sure I got condoms, rubbing my cologne on my skin. I felt like if I fucked her good enough, she would give me a chance, you know? So we go upstairs, we do foreplay and all that cute shit and then i get my condom out and she goes “let me put it on” so I give it to her and the condom RIPS AS SOON AS SHE TAKES IT OUT and she looks up at me like oops? SO then she goes “It’s okay, I prefer it without the condom anyway”
AND I LOOK AT HER LIKE MCUSE ME?! I AM NOT HAVING ANOTHER PREGNANCY SCARE LET ME GO RUN AND GET ANOTHER CONDOM.
She was like “Nonono Simon, I’m on the pill”....... So my dumbass fucked her.
I KNOW THIS MAY NOT BE ALIGNING TO HOW MY DICK GETS IN THE FREEZER BUT BE PATIENT I CANT JUST JUMP INTO THIS.
So I’m laying there like “We are going to get married huh? Me and you are going to have some beautiful ass kids, huh?” And she turns to me and goes “Okay can you come out please, my 4 o’ clock dick appointment is coming soon.” And my pride was crushed. She used me for my dick. I was out here trying to date this girl and she just made me her 2 o’clock dick appointment. That’s cool though. That’s totally fine. I got up and left and walked home. So a few days pass and my notice that my dick starts to ache and shit. It burns out of no where. I’m like....... this wasn’t happening before. So I call my three best friends, who is are also guys, and I say “Bro’s let me ask you, has your dick ever started hurting after sex?” and the line gets silent and then one them go “Bro you got a STD” So I’m laying there in my bed like “........ An STD?” and my other friend said “BRO BRO YOU GOT CRABS BRO! YOUR DICK IS SICK BRO!” and I just.....
I was so disappointed in myself. So my last bro goes “HEY YO READ ONLINE THAT IF YOU PUT YOUR DICK IN THE FREEZER IT KILLS ALL THE BACTERIA IN YOUR CUM AND FREEZES IT SO WHEN YOU PEE IT ALL COMES OUT” DID IT MAKE SENSE TO ME NOW? NO! BUT AS A 17 YEAR OLD BOY WHO POSSIBLY HAD CRABS AND WASN’T EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX IN THE FIRST PLACE, THAT SOUNDED LIKE IT CAME FROM THE TOP DOCTOR IN THE WORLD. SO I RAN MY ASS DOWNSTAIRS AND PUT MY PEEPEE IN THE FREEZER. So I’m standing there, dick in the freezer, hands on my waist, waiting for the bacteria to burn. He told me to wait 2 hours.