Today, I worked up the courage at lunch to sit next to the girl I've been in love with for 3 years. Everything was going great. That is, until I sneezed and my retainer shot out my mouth, and landed in her lap. FML
banned-users
Phi Kappa Chi ΦΚΧ <a:yeah:589703000977571860><a:ppHop:536353159615086612>
Saturday, March 30, 2019
epic xd
Epic
like a movie!
$fml
Today, I went to pick a penny off of the ground for good luck. Someone kneed me in the butt, I fell face first and broke my glasses. FML
$fml
Today, a cute guy complimented me on my legs. I, being the awkward person that I am, panicked and replied, "Thanks, I grew them myself." FML
Jew got what he deserved
$fml
Today, I walked in on my mom taking nude pictures of herself in the kitchen, with only a Santa hat on. FML
ok
no more
$fml
Today, I took my girlfriend's virginity. A few minutes in she remarked, "If this is what sex is normally like then I'm seriously disappointed." FML
First good one
$fml
Today, I got a phone call. I thought it was just one of these toll free numbers that were always calling so when I answered the phone, I said, “City morgue: you stab 'em, we slab 'em! How may I help you?” It was my college calling to discuss my grades. FML
spooky
splinter dick was good
$fml
Today, I helped a lady give birth on the train. She was so happy she asked if she could name the baby after me, but as I told her my name she visibly turned her nose up at it, turned to her husband, and suggested naming it after his grandfather instead. FML
what
$fml
Today, I had to sell my wedding ring to help me pay for my divorce. FML
What’s his name?
Logan?
rusp
haha
$fml
Today, my best friend got engaged. To get his girlfriend to say yes, he had to agree to dump me as a friend because she doesn't want him being best friends with a girl. FML
$fml'
$fml
Today, while trying to go to sleep, I could hear snoring from my boyfriend's side of the bed. I'm not sure who was louder, him or the dog. FML
what is with all the "MY BOYFRIEND" ones
$fml
Today, at Walmart, I overheard a lady telling a teenage girl that the secret to keeping a guy for life is giving him anal, but that it's important to clean your "shitter" beforehand. I can't believe these kinds of sick freaks actually exist. FML
RPing as girls online Max
$fml
Today, I was taking my phone out of my pocket when it caught on the fabric and began to fall. I managed to catch it, but also smacked myself in the balls in the process. FML
$fml
Today, while I was on a second date with this guy, my roommate tried calling me and I ignored her. After dinner my date brought me back to my apartment and there was a waterfall gushing down from the balcony above our apartment. The guys above us had started a fire and our apartment was flooded. FML
$fml
Today, I wore a Stanford college T-shirt to school. My Spanish teacher took one look at it and said "You wish". FML
$fml
Today, as a condominium security guard, I had to enter an old lady's apartment to supervise the mandatory maintenance taking place inside. I commented on the lakeside view from her window and mentioned, "This is a pretty nice view up here isn't it?" It turns out that she's blind. FML
$fml
Today, I heard a commercial for a great apartment complex. Includes food, snacks, entertainment, activities, cleaning service, and transportation services if you cannot drive yourself. I was really excited until the end when they repeated the name; too bad my perfect place is a senior center. FML
$fml
Today, I got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding. When he saw I had something in my pocket, he began to ask if it was a weapon. After arguing for a few minutes I was put in handcuffs. I was too embarrassed to pull the tampon out my pocket. FML
stop spammin i
$fml
Today, while at work at a new job, my brother comes and takes my car. Along with all my money, my phone, and whatever else I had in my purse. His message to me through one of my co-workers was "walk home." FML
what
how does that even make sense
$fml
Only one of these has been funny
Why do you persist
top post on reddit
not all time
this week
$ship
bot is good
Rusp, why are you making such liberal use of the anime bot
top all time
because thebot is based around the sengoku era lord oda nobguanguanua
idk if it was sengoku era
thats the only erai know
it was
and edo
What the fuck are you talking about
Meiji, modern
You took part in this
and some others that sound really Japaneesy
Nobu, the bots name, stands for oda nobnaguna who was a lord in sengoku era japan, which was the waring states era
Untll he died